on soccersundays i survive in valera’s, an irish pub located on place flagey, right beside the dangerous ixelles lakes. it’s not the place where people drink or dance the night away, but the best place in bxl to watch live soccer. flat screen televisions are all over the place, showing the best soccergames in the world. tonight: belgians first division decider: standard – anderlecht.

it’s difficult to find a newspaper on sunday, but not in the swamps. just around my corner in 54 rue du bailli, there’s libraire louis d’or. a shop+snackbar with inter+national newspapers and magazines. open on saturday (7h30-19h30) but also till 12 on sunday!

if you are not satisfied with royal blowjobbing you have to get out: the gays are coming! the sexiest lesbians and gaylords are having their annual gaypride and are marching through the swamps today. before the sun gets down, they are all so drunk, they will do wathever you want/like. pick out the most beautiful (and wasted) gaylord – or two or more – and have some fun!

orange can be hard, but it is safe. after the orange wallet, there’s a new surviving tool for (motor)bikers: the fluo-orange-sweater and helmet. you will not have anymore problems with pussy cardrivers. buy an orange helmet: they’ll think you’re a swan-cop and you’ll arrive safe and fast at your destination. don’t worry it’s legal.

if you are not surviving in the swamps, maybe you need to get, give or watch a blowjob? best place is the royal parc on sunday. in the beginning of the parc, just in front of the royal palace, there’s a hidden gayhole, official called the guimard-hole. watch your step for the hundreds of condoms on the ground and enjoy free sexual surviving! (if you like pussies more: move to ghent.)

it’s important to share our knowledge of the swamps, so i’ll reveal one of my greatest surviving-tools: find yourself 10 euro and buy a trolley case. you will go shopping like you never experienced before. you can find those trolleys in every non-belgian-shop in bxl. for the biggest choice go rue brabant. for my personal trolley exportshop go rue malibran, on place flagey. use a trolley case and make your grandma proud!

the king of brussels (the same one of belgium) invited me for a private bbq this weekend in his hacienda in laeken! join me if you want, his wife promised me to show us her seven royal greenhouses. those greenhouses cover six acres of neoclassical rotundas, domes and galleries. twenty full time gardeners tend the astonishing collections palm trees and geraniums. the total floor surface of this immense complex is 270,000 square feet and albert needs 800,000 liters each year to heat the buildings. just don’t come by car if you really want to survive, or drive safely and stay on the road.

summertime is sneakertime! you don’t need your buffaloshoes anymore. act like an american tourist and go nike, puma, tiger, adidas, supremebeing and vans! support the anti-crisis and be sure you survive this summer: buy at least one pair extra. my topsuppliers: 1 mr. ego, 2 fresh kicks and 3 waffles.

don’t mention the crisis. support the economy of our swamps and spend all your money in local shops. f.e.: buy every month a new bshirt… yes, go shopping like a maniac! buy stuff you don’t need, maybe it will be usefull in a couple of years. but just keep your money in our own city. there will be no crisis in the swamps.

no panic, i am still surviving. but this week i was very busy guiding some real pussies from ghent through the swamps. those dudes are very creative and smart, but they are still pussies. and you’ll see: soon there will be a metro and a sushishop in ghent. copypussiecats.

last week i discovered the sunday-all-you-can-eat-for-16euros-brunch in cafe modele. what a hit! so this morning i was in modele again for a fresh orange juice, a hot drink and the best brunch ever seen and tasted in bxl. cheap: no. expensive: no. but everything i need for surviving the next week, so see you next sunday. get addicted!

my number one surviving tool is my iPhone. unfortunately everyday iPhoned survivors are kidnapped and attacked in the swamps by bandits from the inland country. is that a reason why you shouldn’t buy an iPhone in this city? no, they can’t bring us down and we are not stupid, so we invented the zweiPhone stickers! they don’t bring only classic design history back: they make surviving in the swamps a lot safer. a set of 14 stickers and posters are now available! (limited edition of 500 sets). buy today or get robbed in a week! (thx to badhairboy)

put the balearicamix on your iPod before you leave at work today. forget where you parked your car or miss your tram or bus and walk home with inear aeroplanemusic or outear sparrows and policesirens. before the next tram is passing you, you won’t regret you missed the one before. summer is in the swamps! (thx to frederik)

in the swamps it’s easter every day. with bunnies and lot’s of chocolate. i get mine at the chocolatemaster himself: pierre. some people are saying pierre is to expensive. i say: the haute couture chocolate of pierre marcoline is to cheap for what you get. and if you want to survive, you need the best chocolate in the world. smell, taste and buy it at pierre’s flagshipstore at le grand sable, an absolute must.

we don’t have soulwax and isabelle adam, but we have stephen fasano and vito deluca also known as aeroplane, my favourite band of the moment. these bruseleirs have magic in their fingers – it couldn’t be any more perfect. this month the heroes made a masterpiece disco balearica mix for mixmag! including the(ir) remix of the year of kilometer from sebastien tellier. download and survive by listening local music. (pic: shapish)

breaking news! tonight i stopped the pastatradition. just around my corner, around the corner of pastacorner, i have my own world of sushi. 55 euro for 54 pieces of sushi! that’s what I call “a sushiparty”! also delivery in the swamps, for only 5 euro.

long long time ago i promised to release my favourite restaurants. i am not finished yet, and it’s thursday so here’s pastacorner! it’s not only one of bxl best kept secrets, but also on 15m of my own kitchen. only open on lunchtime and thursday evening. every thursday, somewhere between 19h en 22h, you can find me on the corner with penne palmo.

you don’t need to go to flanders or the indoor-gym for cycling. no seriously, just do it in our beloved swamps. buy a bike in anderlecht, download the free, handy and world-unique cyclingmap and forget everything you see these days on television.

check out my new favourite bar downtown the swamps: cafe modele. forget dewalvis or st gery, walk to the end of rue antoine dansaert and enjoy the homemade quiche, inter&national newspapers, free and fast wifi, sunday all you can eat for 16 euro brunch, the coolest speakers in town, 100% non-smoking area, sunny view on the canal and brackeblogt behind the discjockeydecks on april 18.

i don’t have tits or enough money for a boobjob, so i bought a small safe to walk safely with my money in my pocket through the swamps. ögon wallets are a must have for real surviors and they are even stylish, handy and very expensive. i bought mine in privejoke, where you can choose your favourite colour, but other resellers are all over the city.

some people thought i joined the pussies in ghent. no way, don’t worry: i was on a wintersport-partying-working-week in the mountains. before i went to les alpes i bought a new bshirt: a white one, perfect for snowsurviving.

in italy or poland you might end up in jail if you would pee against a church, but we have a public urinal for survivors at saint catherine’s place; against the walls of the church. btw: the restaurants around saint catherine also use it for draining their patatoes (thx to useit)

i lived for a year at place flagey and i survived: thanks to hundreds of pizza’s from mamma roma. yes my pizzadear, they make the best pizzapieces in the whole pizzeriapiecesworld. really, if i would be a ninja turtle like you, i’ld live in the sewer of chaussee vleurgat. you pay per gram and it ‘s not expensive (important for a turtle isn’ it?). be careful: they opened already other mama roma’s in the city of survivors, but don’t go there, come to flagey: eat from the godfather himself.

justine henin called me: she read an article about my blog and she wants to move to brussels now. i answered her: “justine, you’re very sexy, but you’re crazy too.” by the way: did you already know this blog is a good place to practice your english?

i promised to release this week my favourite eattempels. number one is my number one: just a machamburgerlitter away from la bourse, you have restaurant de la bourse. on saturday i eat the perfect steak provencale for breakfast. and on sundayafternoon the cheese croquettes – for only 5 euro. if you’re really hungry, call me: i’ll go with you and i’ll pay the bill.

if you don’t eat you’ll die. and sometimes you take a risk because you’re hungry. yes, you can be an adventurer and enter the first restaurant you see when you’re hungry, but you will not survive. so, next week i’ll release my favourite restaurants.

yes, we all know that the streets of brussels are dangerous. litteral. look out where you’re walking if you don’t want to have wet socks or loose your high heels between the “free stones”. i am a survivor: i bought some 2nd hand buffalo shoes (5 euro). i’m now walking 5cm above street level. nothing’s gonna stop me now.

i love the smell of french fries in the morning. from 11 am  you can eat the best pommes de frites of the world at place eugene flagey in brussels. ok, sometimes i’ll have to wait an hour before i get my paper-bag with fries, but do you know a michelin restaurant in western-europa, where you have your meal within 56 minutes on your table (for only 3 euro)?  frit flagey, place eugene flagey, at the banks of the lakes of elsene.

bad news for all the nightsurvivors in brussels: dirty dancing, my favourite club in brussels, will close in june. it is/wasn’t only the most beautiful club in brussels, but also the best. no doubt about that. where to go now if you want to party and survive? i’ll let you know soon.

when i need a cheap bike or if i want to find my stolen one back, i go on sunday to the south market where you can find the bikemafia under the railwaybridge. i don’t know yet if i also can get my epo over there, but they have a nice collection of 2nd hand pedal-driven vehicles.

today the sun is shining and the atomium has welcomed his 2 000 000 visitor. but the fact is i am still living in a dangerous city. don’t deny: i’ve been attacked several times already. one tip: don’t use pepperspray or a shotgun to defend yourself when someone is asking you for “a sigaret”. there’s only one weapon against street criminality: get a boobjob. (fyi: the two hidden examples on the pic are real)

after a long shopping adventure i found a store where they sell bshirt. les bruxellois de bshirt decided to recreate the legendary shirts of the seventies. they imagined, conceived, designed en manufactured the coolest shirts in ages. they aren’t cheap, but don’t hesitate and buy one in my favourite store in bxl: mr. ego! you’re living in the capital of the united states of belgium, so don’t act like an american tourist!

go starfucking at louiza! if ac/dc is playing in belgium or anderlecht is playing against real madrid: you can be sure they’re sleeping in conrad hotel. buy a häagen dazs ice cream at the corner, wait in front of the hotel and fuck.

the best pancakes of brussels for only 1,5 euro/piece! check out ‘chez mamie’ at foxplace/place du jeu de balle/vossenplein, just next to the swimming pool. + ask phil for his selfmade wodka bonbons: 1 euro / 1 cl. it’s not only the coolest, but also the smallest pub of europe.

you know the “dude-were-have-i-parked-my-car-problem” after getting a caipirinhadrink at st gery or eating a casonadepancake at foxplace? survive this: buy a cellphone with a build-in-camera (for example an i-phone) and take a quick picture after you parked your car. check your phone when you don’t know where your saab is waiting for you a couple of hours later. (thx to stuffonwalls)

ghent isn’t only the city of good music like soulwax or isabelle adam, there is also a big population of pussies who didn’t survive in brussels. feel free to join them.